Codename: Gerrard

My most recent boyfriend was a fun time in my life. In hindsight, I should have known he was never going to make me happy. On paper, he was perfect for me. Meet codename: Gerrard.

• He's a Liverpool fan.
• He loves football.
• He likes playing Xbox.
• He owns his own home.
• He is a hard working, honest guy.
• He is very funny.
• He loves animals.

But he was not in a good place and he really had no desire to put in any effort into our relationship. What started out as seeming all casual and no pressure - to just see what happens and if we like each other - turned into sitting back and waiting for me to build the relationship.

Codename: Gerrard

He lived about an hour away from me and he came to my house once and then I moved (because my roommate at the time didn't like him - while my roommate was right that he wasn't suitable for me, I still don't understand his vicious hatred of Gerrard) he only came to my new place twice. The first time I asked if we could stay at my house and he said no (while I was at his house) I packed my stuff and went to leave. As pathetic as it sounds, I was doing it so he'd stop me and come with me. He didn't. He called my bluff and I turned around and stayed. It was stupid. I should have realised then and there that he wasn't as invested as I was.

He also didn't like to let me have my way. I know I'm a bit of a princess but I'm not spoilt by any means. I don't know whether it was my princessness or the fact that he'd been hurt by his ex very badly but he made it absolutely clear (repeatedly) that if I was to be his girlfriend, I would have to mould myself to fit around his life. Not content with a girlfriend who stayed up until 3am to watch football, he insisted on watching NRL while I sat bored, playing on my iPad. He always picked the movie we watched. We watched his favourite show, Criminal Minds, but we watched ONE episode of Psych.

And worst of all, he saw not kissing me as a game or something. He didn't kiss me until our fourth date. He would kiss me goodbye in the morning or when we parted, but never hello. He would never just suddenly lean over on the couch or kiss me and we never held hands at all. Not at home, not in the shops, not in the movies. We just didn't. I understand that's just him but it's not me. I am a very affectionate person and when I pointed out how much the lack of kissing hurt me and made me feel cheap, he treated it as a game and it was fun to not kiss me back if I kissed him, or cover his face with a pillow. It stopped being funny real quick but he was insistent. In all honesty, I wondered if he is gay. I still wonder that sometimes.

When my friend (Code name: Silver) tried to kiss me while unaware I was with Gerrard, I [harshly] pointed out to Gerrard that Silver had tried to kiss me more times than he had in the entire time he was officially my boyfriend. That went down like a ton of bricks and in all honesty, was probably the start of the end of our relationship. While I never cheated and never felt any real feelings for Silver while I was with Gerrard, a small piece of me feels guilty for using the situation as a weapon in our relationship. It was shocking to me to think that Silver appeared to care more for me than Gerrard, my boyfriend, did. And while I didn't let him kiss me, as a girl deprived of attention and made to feel undesirable by her boyfriend, my heart skipped a beat when Silver tried to kiss me. Luckily, I'm not that kind of girl and I immediately shrunk into my seat to avoid the kiss.

Gerrard did like me. In six months of courting and three months of dating we never got to the 'I love you' point. But despite breaking up with me a week before Christmas, he seemed to forget and arranged an amazing Christmas present for me. Then he broke up with me again on Boxing Day because I had been "cold & distant over the past week". Keep in mind, he'd already broken up with me. That should explain the coldness and distance, but apparently not to him. I was dumped again by my already ex-boyfriend. However he had arranged a treasure hunt around his local shopping centre with 25 envelopes describing my favourite things and gift vouchers or little presents inside each. It must have cost him around $500 to arrange for me. It was the single best gift I have ever been given and I was hysterical upon receiving it.

He's a sweet guy. He checks in on me periodically. He reads my other blog and he's a real nice guy. But either he wasn't ready for me or I looked awesome on paper to him but was never quite right. I don't know. I don't regret our relationship.

Love, Princess Samantha xx