Here and there

I'm here.

You know that.

And you see me.

But you never really see me.

I'm always yours.

I'm always here for you.

You see my smile

and you see the light in my eyes.

But you don't know it's for you.

That it's always here for you

and only ever for you.

When I wake up,

when it's quiet,

when I fall asleep...

you're there.

But you're never really there.

Because you're never really here.

You're never really mine.

I'll always be over here.

And you'll always be over there.

But never the twain shall meet.

--- © Samantha Mawdsley 2012 ---

Codename: @Boy

Sometimes I'm really creative. Other times I am not. So let me introduce you to Codename: @Boy.

I met him - funnily enough - on Twitter. When I first got my iPhone and got seriously engrossed in Twitter I realised that since I could check my timeline more often, I needed to follow more people. So I found a location-based way to search for people to follow. And @Boy came up. I was with Big Bad then but I still added @Boy because he was cute. He added me back & we chatted a bit.

We figured out we both love football and that we both had significant others. But we got along and joked with each other a lot.

In early 2010 he broke up with his girlfriend. I was genuinely sorry for him.

In mid 2010 I broke up with my boyfriend. He was genuinely sorry for me.

Then he told me he would like to ask me out when I felt ready to date again. After dating someone for nine years, on & off, I was not ready in a hurry. After a few months it all felt a bit easier and we began to talk and laugh and flirt more.

One day I was at a local shopping centre with my cousin and @Boy tweeted that he was at the same shopping centre getting a Boost. My cousin & I, naturally, ran through the shopping centre like crazy people to stalk him so I could see him in real life - from a safe distance. Imagine my surprise when approaching Boost, I hear "Samantha?" & find myself looking straight at @Boy. #Awkward.

I was not prepared to talk to him, I was not dressed to meet him and I quickly became a jabbering, rambling mess of a human being. We stood in the middle of the shopping centre talking for about half an hour before one of us had to go. He tweeted me later that he thought I was cute. Win! But the date invite never came. So my cousin took matters into his own hands & stole my phone. 10 mins of texting while pretending to be me & I had a date lined up for that weekend.

Then @Boy got a cold sore & cancelled on me.

But I decided that if he agreed to go on a date with me (or at least with my male cousin pretending to be me) then he must like me. So one drunken night (Hoedown in the city, actually) I invited him to come over after his night shift at work. He did. We lay in my bed and talked but he still had that cold sore (he wasn't lying) so he didn't kiss me.

Then he came to my birthday party. I was so excited for him to come and I felt like the most amazing girl in the world when he did turn up (by himself, despite not knowing anybody at my party) to celebrate with me. He even drove me to get extra soft drink. But that was all.

The Monday after my party, Halo: Reach came out. I went to the midnight launch at Toombul and he was going somewhere else. But he surprised me by showing up to the same launch as me & spent the next few hours eating maccas & waiting for a video game. So I was so confident he liked me. A lot.

One night we were playing Halo: Reach online when he suddenly said over his headset 'Sam, I feel like maccas. Let's go get maccas." It was 1am or so. But he texted me his address & I went to pick him up. He shouted me maccas & I drove him back home. As I pulled up he invited me in to see his apartment. Yeah. I know, right? But I accepted.

We went upstairs and he showed me around and then we went into his room. We just sat and talked. And he told me he didn't know if he wanted to date me or not. Yeah. Out of left field, much? I was just confused.  He told me we could just casually hook up but I laughed in his face and told him I am not that kind of girl. Because I'm not. We talked some more and then all of a sudden he kissed me. Stuff happened. Not that stuff. I ended up staying the night.

The next day I went home forgetting all about the uncertainty about whether he wanted to date me & focusing on the fact he kissed me and that I spent the night. I figured I had won him over with my delightful, bubbly, positive self. Which was a lovely feeling until I received a text message saying he was sorry but he was not going to date me.

I cried. A lot. Mainly because I felt so stupid and confused. Compass came over that night to comfort me. I cried some more.

@Boy hurt me a lot. But his behaviour wasn't deplorable. Not these days. I understand that I am the over-sensitive girl and that his behaviour wouldn't really have been that hurtful to some other girls. But I am still, to this day, confused as to why he doesn't didn't want to date me. He tells me often how much we have in common. But he usually prefaces it with "It freaks me out" or "it scares me". I'm not sure what it is about me he can't stand and I guess it doesn't matter. It's simply a matter of my own curiousity now, I guess. We're friends these days. I like him a lot. But @Boy's just another chapter in my life that didn't end with 'and they lived happily ever after...'

Love, Princess Samantha xx

I know what boys like! (Actually that's not really true...)

This post is also published on my SAMawdsley blog

When I started this blog, I promised to blog honestly. So here's an honest story.

This post focuses on my own insecurities as a person.

It may contain personal opinions, jaded points of view and self-deprecating humour.

I have a lot of guy friends. In order to maintain this status quo without causing trouble, I make decisions when I meet guys as to whether they are friends or potential boyfriends. A guy can move from potential boyfriend to friend but once a guy is in the friend zone, I see him like a brother and a Ken doll. It is damn near impossible to move then.

I hung out with my friend Tony for the first time in years today. I was invited wakeboarding but thanks to my latest 'Sassy's accident of the week', I wasn't able to risk reinjuring my barely stable knee. But I agreed to go along with what I thought was a group of people. Now I met Tony in university. We were working on a group assignment with another girl, Victoria. Tony had a thing for Victoria so I'm very confident he is ok with being categorised as a Ken doll. Tony & I got along great & the first time I was ever in a plane, Tony was flying me around. He even let me have a go flying too! And he's moving to Perth soon so, yeah.

As I was pulling into the carpark where I was meeting Tony, I saw a hot guy. As I drove around I figured out that the hot guy was the friend Tony mentioned was with him. Ah, yes. Sufficiently awkward. I quickly figured it was just us three. Now this guy, Adam, is that kind of hot that you just know every other girl on the planet also thinks he's hot. I'm not saying he's the best looking guy ever, just that he looks friendly, approachable and like, cool guy next door kind of hot. But in my typically judgemental and compartmentalising way (stemmed from years as the victim of bullying), I labelled him someone who was going to have nothing in common with me and was probably going to be pretty pissed off at Tony for inviting this weird girl along.

But Adam was instantly joking with me, very funny and a pretty nice guy. I had a great time with them both, taking photos of them wakeboarding. I actually had a really awesome afternoon. Then we went to the pub for beer & pool. In order to carry on the fun hanging out, we made arrangements to drive my car back home so we would have one car & one DD. But as I parked my car, Adam got or made a phone call. I'm not sure how but the girl he likes told him she was free tonight & if he wanted to see her, it had to be that night. Cue, my little heart sinking just a little. It's not as if I liked him or anything, I'd only just met him & we all know I have my hopes for my own amazing Prince Charming in Silver, but I was still a tiny bit disappointed. Which brings me to my point.

I know nothing about this girl Adam likes. Not one detail. But here's the thing. I've imagined this girl:

She has beautiful glossy chocolate brown hair that she straightens every day.
She is never caught without makeup.
She spends a lot of money on clothes and always looks great.
She wears heels no matter what.
Her cute little handbag has a phone, wallet, keys & liploss in it. That's it.
She has heaps of equally gorgeous friends who all look very similar. Their photos look like girl band promo shots.
Her Facebook shows her in clubs, with friends, on the beach & at holiday places like Bali & Thailand.

That's what guys want. Right?

I have dirty blonde hair that I rarely brush between washes. I only straighten if for a really special occassion.
My idea of make up is scratched on eyeliner, mascara & recently I bought a super invisible foundation. That's my going out makeup.
I do not buy anything that is not on sale. I also shop at op shops. Because I like them.
I wear heels if it's a special occassion & I won't actually need to stand up.
My handbag sling across my body & has everything including tablets, old receipts, lolly wrappers, half drunk water bottles and once, even swimming goggles.
My friends are gorgeous. I have a small handful of them. We don't go out much.
My Facebook shows me playing football, Kinect shots from my Xbox & taking stupid photos of myself, usually for comedic purposes.

That's NOT what guys want. Right?

I asked guys on Twitter what they value in a girl.
I got answers like funny, intelligent, shared interests, doesn't smoke, kind, generous... These are all qualities I like to think I possess. Now Twitter guys are smart guys. But I'm not sure they represent the typical red-blooded male. Given half a chance, I think most guys would take the hot chick over some weird, football & Xbox-loving quasi guy like me.

I can not stress enough, I am NOT fishing for compliments. This is my blog. These are my thoughts.

You see, on paper I know I sound like the ultimate girlfriend. I love sport. I love playing Xbox. I hate flick chicks & love action movies. I am more than willing to laugh at myself. I can fix most things around a house. I also am aware that I am no swamp donkey. But I don't think that is actually what guys wants.

I think they want the girl who oozes sex appeal in short skirts & gorgeous clothes, not the girl in the tartan skirt & Pink Floyd shirt. They want the girl who pouts into the camera with perfectly made up hair and faces, not the girl who couldn't really be bothered, as long as I don't look too bad, I'm OK.

I grew up the only girl in a house with two guys. I can use most power tools. I can fix almost anything in a house. I've tiled bathrooms, painted walls, built cupboards and laid concrete. Other girls won't get dirty because they will break a nail or they just plain don't know or care how to fix things. That's what girls are meant to do and what guy wants to be emasculated when his girlfriend can fix the broken door but he can't?

I play football three times a week plus regularly just kick a ball around my yard. I play with men on a Monday night and I play hard. A few weeks ago, I was knocked out playing keeper. Other girls play netball. Once a week. Maybe. Or they go to they gym looking freakishly perfect, work up a gentle sweat & pat themselves down ready to starve themselves for another week.

Guys also like the hot girl who gets together with her girlfriend on a Friday night & Saturday night. They wear heels for the entire time, they drink Cruisers or something and flirt outrageously. My Friday nights are more often than not spent playing Xbox or watching movies. That's if I don't have a football game. My Saturday nights are spent much the same way except I'll be watching football by the end of it because the EPL games start at about 10pm.

Girls always look gorgeous and "guy ready". Always. They're like ultimate fantasies and look just how they should, as girls, all the time. These girls wear gorgeous, sexy nighties to bed. I wear boys' dinosaur PJs.

This is just how I see it. I see these girls who always look perfect & I look down at my own dinosaur Tshirt & jeans. I know I'm different. I know who I am & I love who I am. I am confident and not fake at all. But I just can't be that girl. Not without being fake. And I can't do the hair and the makeup. I've tried. When I was hanging out with the guys today, I was talking about how I'm sure I can wakeboard because I can skate the ramps & bowls on rollerblades. I talked about how I want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. I suggested beers and pool. And then I asked the barman to put the football on the bar TV.

I feel like guys are never going to take me seriously. The perfect girls are the ones who the boys want. I'm not saying guys don't like me. I know there are some that have. I'm not, as Cher would say, 'completely without' but I am not that girl.

On paper, I am the best girlfriend EVER. In reality, I guess I just don't take myself seriously enough as a girl.

Love, Princess Samantha xx

Questions:

• What do you think guys like?
• How do you imagine the perfect girl?

PS: I'm sorry if I offend any guys (or even girls). I know all guys aren't like this. Hell, maybe most guys aren't like this. Maybe no guy is like this. I may be jaded, cynical and a little bit unwilling to put myself out there. But this is my blog. This is how I feel. And these are my thoughts. If you are one of the girls I described, note that I am not dissing you. I am jealous of you. You seem perfect to me.

Codename: Gerrard

My most recent boyfriend was a fun time in my life. In hindsight, I should have known he was never going to make me happy. On paper, he was perfect for me. Meet codename: Gerrard.

• He's a Liverpool fan.
• He loves football.
• He likes playing Xbox.
• He owns his own home.
• He is a hard working, honest guy.
• He is very funny.
• He loves animals.

But he was not in a good place and he really had no desire to put in any effort into our relationship. What started out as seeming all casual and no pressure - to just see what happens and if we like each other - turned into sitting back and waiting for me to build the relationship.

Codename: Gerrard

He lived about an hour away from me and he came to my house once and then I moved (because my roommate at the time didn't like him - while my roommate was right that he wasn't suitable for me, I still don't understand his vicious hatred of Gerrard) he only came to my new place twice. The first time I asked if we could stay at my house and he said no (while I was at his house) I packed my stuff and went to leave. As pathetic as it sounds, I was doing it so he'd stop me and come with me. He didn't. He called my bluff and I turned around and stayed. It was stupid. I should have realised then and there that he wasn't as invested as I was.

He also didn't like to let me have my way. I know I'm a bit of a princess but I'm not spoilt by any means. I don't know whether it was my princessness or the fact that he'd been hurt by his ex very badly but he made it absolutely clear (repeatedly) that if I was to be his girlfriend, I would have to mould myself to fit around his life. Not content with a girlfriend who stayed up until 3am to watch football, he insisted on watching NRL while I sat bored, playing on my iPad. He always picked the movie we watched. We watched his favourite show, Criminal Minds, but we watched ONE episode of Psych.

And worst of all, he saw not kissing me as a game or something. He didn't kiss me until our fourth date. He would kiss me goodbye in the morning or when we parted, but never hello. He would never just suddenly lean over on the couch or kiss me and we never held hands at all. Not at home, not in the shops, not in the movies. We just didn't. I understand that's just him but it's not me. I am a very affectionate person and when I pointed out how much the lack of kissing hurt me and made me feel cheap, he treated it as a game and it was fun to not kiss me back if I kissed him, or cover his face with a pillow. It stopped being funny real quick but he was insistent. In all honesty, I wondered if he is gay. I still wonder that sometimes.

When my friend (Code name: Silver) tried to kiss me while unaware I was with Gerrard, I [harshly] pointed out to Gerrard that Silver had tried to kiss me more times than he had in the entire time he was officially my boyfriend. That went down like a ton of bricks and in all honesty, was probably the start of the end of our relationship. While I never cheated and never felt any real feelings for Silver while I was with Gerrard, a small piece of me feels guilty for using the situation as a weapon in our relationship. It was shocking to me to think that Silver appeared to care more for me than Gerrard, my boyfriend, did. And while I didn't let him kiss me, as a girl deprived of attention and made to feel undesirable by her boyfriend, my heart skipped a beat when Silver tried to kiss me. Luckily, I'm not that kind of girl and I immediately shrunk into my seat to avoid the kiss.

Gerrard did like me. In six months of courting and three months of dating we never got to the 'I love you' point. But despite breaking up with me a week before Christmas, he seemed to forget and arranged an amazing Christmas present for me. Then he broke up with me again on Boxing Day because I had been "cold & distant over the past week". Keep in mind, he'd already broken up with me. That should explain the coldness and distance, but apparently not to him. I was dumped again by my already ex-boyfriend. However he had arranged a treasure hunt around his local shopping centre with 25 envelopes describing my favourite things and gift vouchers or little presents inside each. It must have cost him around $500 to arrange for me. It was the single best gift I have ever been given and I was hysterical upon receiving it.

He's a sweet guy. He checks in on me periodically. He reads my other blog and he's a real nice guy. But either he wasn't ready for me or I looked awesome on paper to him but was never quite right. I don't know. I don't regret our relationship.

Love, Princess Samantha xx

Codename: Silver

Here in Australia, I have no real prospects for dates. Most of they guys I know are either taken, interested in hooking up casually or not interested at all, I guess. Or maybe it's me that's not interested. I don't know.

Anyway, this is the story of the current prospective Prince Charming - codename: Silver. Get comfortable, because it's a long story.

Codename: Silver

I first met Silver in 1996. I was in a composite class with only a few grade six kids while the rest of the grade sixers were in another class. I didn't go outside at lunch and would sometimes watch all the other kids play out the classroom window. In hindsight, it was weird, but most of my class was the same. We just ran riot building complicated forts out of desks and cardboard boxes. One day I heard about a new guy in the main grade six class. I spotted him out the window. I'd never really had a crush on a guy before. But suddenly, I understood what the other girls were talking about when they giggled about boys.

In grade seven, there were too many kids for one grade seven class so again, the overflow of really smart kids were put in the grade six class to undertake "independent learning" (ie. be ignored and learn very little but continue to pass anyway because we're just intelligent.) Turned out Silver was actually really smart too and he was put in the composite class with me. I remember sitting at a round table with the six grade sevens in the class (four girls and two boys) and sitting next to Silver. We were laughing about something stupid and I decided I didn't just think he was cute, but he was really nice too. This was before high school when girls would banter around words such as 'sweet', 'honey' and 'babe', despite knowing nothing about the guy. One day, I just never went back to that school. I moved to a new school.

When I went to my high school, Silver went to the same school. We didn't have anything to do with each other and we were never even in the same class but I always thought he was cute. Somehow in grade 10 we ended up dating. He asked me out. I really wish I could remember how this happened, especially because we didn't have any classes together or share the same friends. It's actually really puzzling me, now that I think about it. It didn't last long. I barely dated in high school because my dad wouldn't let me have a boyfriend. So we never did anything or went on a proper date. We kissed. He was my second kiss and I learned later, I was his first. He also tells me I broke up with him because "I wasn't allowed to date".

Well Silver is best friends with my best guy friend (Codename: Compass). He lived with Compass for a while but in all the time I went and visited the house, we never saw each other. I was more than OK with that because Silver had a long term girlfriend and there was a tiny little piece of me that was jealous and did not want to smile and play nice with the girl who had stolen the heart of my first ever crush. I would have felt like I had lost.

Well in March last year, Compass had a party. I went with some girlfriends. I was walking down the stairs when suddenly, I made eye contact with the person walking up the stairs. It was Silver. Without trying to sound lame, my heart actually skipped a beat. He looked the same as when I last saw him in high school but with the masculinity that comes when a guy reaches his mid 20s. I wish I could remember what I did and said but when I get nervous, I kind of blank out. I probably made an idiot of myself. And since I was wearing a tiny red tartan skirt, a white button up shirt & a black crucifix and Compass's friends have taken to referring to me as "The Catholic Schoolgirl", I don't imagine I came across well.

Last Novemeber, I was dating my most recent boyfriend (Codename: Gerrard) when I organised a movie night with Compass. He called me and asked if I minded if a mutual friend and Silver also came. I had no problem with that. Compass & I took a drive to pick Silver up from his house. When he was coming to get in the car, he was wearing a Manchester United shirt. I reached around and locked the back door. I grinned at him and told him he wasn't allowed in the car! He remembered I am a Liverpool fan and we had some banter. I was enjoying talking to the guys and we went to get dinner. Then he told me he was moving to England because "None of the girls in Australia liked football like he did". My response was indignation. I established he was going for 12 - 24 months. *Shrug* I had a boyfriend anyway.

We had our movie night and it was great fun. We made fun of the movies and laughed a lot. When I said I was going home, Compass asked if I could give Silver a lift as it was literally on my way home. I agreed. On the way home we talked non-stop. Somehow I ended up telling him about Big Bad and how I broke up with him because he didn't understand why I was waking up at 4am to watch World Cup matches and I suddenly realised he just didn't get me. He laughed and told me he broke up with his aforementioned girlfriend because she didn't understand why he played so much football. I play every Monday, Thursday and weekend so I understood him. He asked if I'd like to watch some football games some time and I said I'd like that. When I pulled up at his house he sat for a moment then said "I'm going to try something" and leaned in to kiss me. I backed into my seat and held my hands up defensively to stop him. He apologised and  quickly got out of the car.

When I got home, I had a message in my inbox on Facebook. He'd seen my relationship status and understood. I don't know who he thought Compass was talking about when he asked how "Mr Gerrard" was going, but nonetheless. He apologised and said he would still like to watch football with me if I wanted to. I was OK with that.

We watched a couple of football games - Dad watched them with us and we just watched as friends. Then my relationship with Gerrard broke up just before Christmas. Silver and I went to dinner one night when I was newly single but it was just as friends. I also ended up being invited along to Silver & Compass's weekly dinner date. That meant so much to me, that they both thought enough of me to want me there. I don't know whose idea it was to invite me and I don't care. It just meant a lot to me to be invited.

Well one night in January, Silver came over to play Xbox with me. We stayed up until about 4am shooting aliens when on one of our brief breaks from handling the controller, Silver kissed me. I haven't kissed many people so I haven't experienced many first kisses but this was one of my favourites. In typical awkward Princess Samantha style, I followed this up with "I'm not having sex with you". It takes a special kind of guy to not be so weirded out by me but he wasn't. He laughed and said he knew that. He told me that when he tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let him because I had a boyfriend it made him like me even more because he knew I was the good sort of girl that was faithful to their boyfriend - even if there was problems in the relationship. And with that, came the type of girl that didn't just sleep with someone.

There was a few more occasions that we shared and I began to like him more and more and more. But, like he said at the start of this story, he was booked on a plane to England - one way. He told me if he'd met me again before he booked his ticket, he wouldn't have gone. But I'm glad because no matter what happens in the future, he followed his dream and I'm so happy for him.

Luckily for me, my brother lives in England and the plan was he was getting married in September. Silver agreed to be my date to the wedding and when I last saw him, I said to him "See you in September". Then I cried in the car. It doesn't look like my brother is getting married as soon as September but screw it, I have been planning this trip for over a year. There are many reasons I want to go on this trip including getting to know my new soon-to-be sister-in-law, spending some time with my brother, doing something crazy for once in my life, having an adventure and yes, seeing Silver again. The best news for me is Compass is coming with me!!

I'm not holding hopes of anything happening with Silver. By that time, we won't have seen each other for eight months. English girls love football and he very well could have found someone prettier, funnier, nicer and who actually likes the same team and that will be perfectly OK. I won't feel like I've missed out on any chance because he got to know me a little bit in that month and a half and if he meets someone he likes more than he likes me, I can't argue with that, and wouldn't want to anyway.

But for the moment it feels like watching an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother' only I'm the star. And I don't know where it's going. But if my first boyfriend was in 1999, then this is season 14. And this show still rocks.

Love, Princess Samantha xx


PS: Unfortunately I blacked out Silver's eyes and they are his best feature. Sorry, girls!

Once upon a time...

... There was a princess. Her name was Samantha and she was 26, single and liked to pretend she was an author. While she was pretty and popular and had friends and family who loved her, she didn't have a boyfriend. Instead, she filled her days with playing football, messing around on Twitter, spending late nights on her Xbox and trying to learn Spanish.

Yeah, that about sums me up. From the first guy to ask me out in grade seven (who incidentally is now openly gay) to my most recent relationship that was spread over 100km and only involved real effort on my part, I've had some adventures in dating. I've had one real long term relationship - and that was an on / off fiasco that was neither very healthy nor successful. He shall hence forth be known as the Big Bad. I will introduce the rest of the suitors as I go.

I'm hoping I can continue this blog from now, my "Once upon a time...", until one day I can sign off "and they lived happily ever after."

Princess Samantha

Love, Princess Samantha xx